BRB

Currently on hiatus. But don’t worry too much, Daily Rhymes will come back bigger and more bad ass (and yet somehow loveable, like a fluffy raccoon), before you know it.

Monday, March 21, 2011

If a hobbit had a hobby,
It would probably involve
Mayo and lox more than
Bonds and stocks.

If the cookie monster had a career
It would probably involve
His love for chocolate snails
Instead of home sales.

If Spring needed a wingman
It could be me because
I’m big and sweet
And I shave my feet.

Limerick Friday #36

There once was a diet that promised you could see more
But it made you hairy, radioactive, and poor
The diet is whack
It makes you see black
But some people will always believe it to the core.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I was snooping through the weather report
To educate myself and things of that sort
I was shocked to see that it all is a sham,
And that the truth is hidden by the weatherman.

I said, “Yo dogg, that’s not right,
When the sky goes black doesn’t mean it’s night.
In fact, how do I know the snow is not actually cocaine?”
So Emily tried it and reported, Bah, it’s just rain.”

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

My bachelor pad is filled
With corned beef and cabbage,
But I don’t know why she treats me
Like a radioactive savage.

She won’t put her purse
On my meaty counter,
She won’t even walk through my hall
So I can’t see her graceful canter.

Instead, she marches away from me
And my heart feels an earthquake,
I think of all the meals together
That we will never make.

Monday, March 14, 2011

If ever there was a day for pie,
This is it,
The cake told me that
As it was about to be bit.

It drove me mad
To see a meltdown like that.
Do your job, I said.
Then I scarfed it all and got fat.

Now the cake is eating me
Like a praying mantis,
My stomach is a tsunami
And my bowels are Atlantis.

Limerick Friday #35

Earthquakes were once confined to a zone
But they heard of Hawaii and decided to roam
When the sun’s a scorcher
The climate is torture
But the environmentalists still rage alone.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I looked on LinkedIn
And saw that Chuck Norris
Is king of the world.
I was confused
Because I thought Ashley Olsen
Or the head of North Korea
Held the crown that was impearled.
Just when I couldn’t bear anymore
Sean Parker robbed the status
And immediately my vision swirled.
Turns out, it’s not the Dalai Lama
Or the richest man
Whose name is on the banner unfurled.
The world belongs to Bubba
In Wisconsin
Who stays under his desk, curled.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

When I was a young writer
I cared more about cowboys than poetry.
I practiced lassoing dragons
And getting shot stoically.

I’d break rules high and low
And create rituals with tiki lamps,
I’d play cops and catch robbers
And I’d hide under Gramps.

But then I discovered you
And my destiny locked me in chains.
I have to write love poems
And I write them more often than it rains.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Who says you shouldn’t drink tiger blood?
I heard it makes you fat on Tuesday,
And by Wednesday you’re turned to ash.
If it rains on Thursday, you’ll be caked with mud.

That’s how it affects most people, anyway,
Women are at higher risk, doctors tend to say.

It turned a woodman into a king
Who wielded a machete
Until he accidentally cut his ponytail
And then cowered from the confetti.

I hope to become a captain
Riding the highest wave’s crest in the sea.
I’m going to fill a whole cauldron
And pour it all over me.

Monday, March 7, 2011

I’m a knight in shining armor
But I don’t do well in the summer
Because the heat gets me crying.

On a mission to a volcano
I sent an apprentice in my stead,
He returned on fire with sweat quickly drying.

I’ve been getting fat
While I sit here reading
But if I told you this is the life I’d be lying.

If the tournament’s scheduled in winter
Like the Iditarod,
Then I’ll be skippy while sending my foes out dying.

Limerick Friday #34

A strawberry was once an elephant in the room
It had a bad attitude because it would be jam soon
It kept it’s faith
But it’s fate was a wraith
Who heartily laughed as he ate the jam with a spoon.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Women idolize the sun,
Let it shine bright white,
They want me to become
Red as a lobster.

I’ll move to Florida
Where my code of GTL
And my tiger’s blood smell
Will attract cougars.

Now I remember I’m a king
And I already have a girlfriend
But she wants me tan, too,
So my UV abuse will never end.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

To be American
Is to be frank.
But that doesn’t mean
We have to watch Sheen
In interviews that stank.

If the point
Is to have an idol,
You could pick up sports
Like these two cohorts
Or even step onto a treadmill.

Vision is 20/20
In an iPad,
But if we can’t be home
And left alone
Then the scene will just be sad.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Forget the ipod and ipad
I want an ihop
To dance me down the street
‘Cause I’m tired of marching with my feet.

Ah, forget it,
I’d probably be arrested like a hooker
Because the device would be so unknown
The cops would be confused
And say, “book ‘er.”

The containment of a goddess
Would become a national spectacle,
I’d have to climb a eucalyptus just to get away.
I might even invite Bieber
And hope little girls or the media
Don’t drag us away like a greedy beaver.

All this speculating has got me in a fever,
I guess I prefer the ihop to remain a mystery,
So Justin and I will hop off a pier
And finally be history.

Limerick Friday #33

Some half-children and half-men went down to a park
They thought with grace they saw an angel and said, “hark”
It wasn’t what they predicted
It was a card saying, “Evicted”
Which taught them all their futures were dark.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Is it snowing?
Or is that frozen sunshine
Falling down and blowing
All around?

It’s no accident
That the government shutdown
All the tunnels
That run into town.

There were afraid
We’d take an iceberg to the head
Like a thunderbolt
And then been laid down dead.

These weather pranks
Are toying with my emotions.
I’m going to launch myself
To all the tropical oceans.

Wednesday, February, 23, 2011

When it comes to burgers
I’m defenseless.
Cover one in buffalo sauce
And I’d chow it like I’m reckless.

I’ll give ya a mad lib:
Fill in a sound a stomach makes
When it sees a burger
And rumbles like an earthquake.

I get it,
I’m no Tennyson.
But I also won’t bargain for any burger
That you happen to jettison.

I don’t have
Victorian principles,
But I’m also so hungry
I’m forgetting to count syllables.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

When I was younger I wanted to be a pirate
I thought I could swagger like a pro
But sometimes I would take a break
To fight dragons like Bilbo.

Apparently I wanted to be a stylist
When I hacked myself a new haircut,
For I time I wanted Dave Barry’s job
But then my writing hit a rut.

I’m writing now to notify you
My new dream job could come true
Because all I want to do
Is make dinner everyday for two.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Consider this an invitation
To tell all the world,
In a blog like a banner
That to all has been unfurled.

Maybe it’ll say
“Mission Accomplished”
Like a former president
Who that had wished.

Or maybe you could
Make a movie,
Get a guy named Rufus
To make the soundtrack groovy.

Or maybe you will
Write about dinner
Because there aren’t enough foodie blogs
And a new one will be a winner.

Limerick Friday #32

There once was a city devoted to the rose
The people all put a flower to their nose
They chant more than sing
And they don’t have a king
But by midnight it’s where every slacker goes.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Could computers predict
My love for you?
Could Watson book
A nook for two?

Maybe I’m just a dummy,
Who could be poisoned by emotion,
But I’m driving with passion,
This isn’t powered by mechanical locomotion.

Even positions of planets don’t matter
You could be a leo or a ‘tarius,
But it’s just you and me
And together we will carry us.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I didn’t mean to libel
It was just a case of bad grammar
When I said, “get used”
You saw “get sued”
And now we have a case
Bordering on Madoff proportions.

To be fair
It won’t be the first time
The TSA at Logan
Are confronted with a whale
Of a suit.

It’s just that the plaintiff’s protests
Have always been beaten
By an arsenal of attorneys.

What now can we do?
The metaphorical gun’s to our head.
At this point, I’d rather keep singing to the world
Even if it means our case will end up dead.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Watson, I think our budget is in jeopardy.
We better line up the suspects
And throw away the key.

We can pretend we’re playing wall-ball
Just get me a Spaulding,
We’ll forget about economics
When our behinds are scalding.

Or bring out the dog-and-pony show
And converse with the contestants,
Talk as much as you like,
Maybe we’ll win awards for being hesitant.

Happy Valentine's Day

Eyes are a reflection of the soul.
You have beautiful eyes,
And I love them as I love your soul.
You don’t realize the feelings that arise
When I look at your soul.
Your lips draw me like a magnet to a pole
When the moon like your heart is full
And lights your face like the skies.
But when clouds cover the sky
Your eyes shine like beacons warning me that
Your lips have drawn me too close to a cliff,
Too close to a kiss.
So I close my eyes in anticipation,
Waiting for our lips to touch
And waiting for our souls to connect through the soft touch.
It is almost too much when my eyes open and your eyes open
And our souls look at each other
As if they just met because they did just meet for a second
And combine with the touch.
It is almost too much for me to say, "I love you."
Because words are not necessary when two souls connect
And bring their lips along with them
And love is felt.
So I won’t say I love you,
I’ll just say, "I love your eyes, and you have a beautiful soul."

Limerick Friday #31

There once was an inventor who was real bored
He assembled a white dress and thought he had scored
But he didn’t get his way
Because his monster didn’t stay
And he’s stuck tinkering with a broken down ford.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

You say I sing like Dylan
But I’m a little more tone deaf,
I don’t need a voice coach
I need a voice ref.

I serenade you by your window
As bystanders gawk
But I won’t resign my post
Even if the crowd will mock.

If you call the police
I’ll be booked
But if love is a crime
I’ll be a happy crook.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I can’t help myself, I have a sweet tooth
And I’ll always rob you of your caramel.
I’ll become a pirate acting smooth,
If you hide candy at the end of a jetty.
You should always be on the ready
Because I’ll come from land and seas.
Currents guide me to ice cream,
And jelly beans make me weak in the knees.
You might say I love the thrill of adventure
But it’s the sugar high that gives me the speed I need.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Maybe on Tuesdays
I’ll just post doodles.
Or on slow news days
I’ll just sing carols.

Sometimes a muse will dry
Like tundra or a Midwest well.
But as long as I don’t watch TV
My symptoms won’t be fatal.

So now I’ll think of food
Like Swedish fish or Jimmy Dean.
If that doesn’t lift my mood,
I’ll think of my queen.

Monday, February 7, 2011

The emperor of ice cream ain’t shit.
I’m the marquis of M&Ms,
You could put me on a board
And I’d be a commercial sans words
Hawking Pepsi to the dead.

Who smeared Doritos crumbs
On Joan Rivers’ head?

Give black eyed peas to the bums
In bowls made of lead.

You could youtube this
But it won’t be simulated.
You could give a man a belt
But that won’t mean he’s stimulated.

Ultimately our anthem is a ransom,
Our debt is to be handsome
But each year we get uglier
And then some.

Limerick Friday #30

There once was a femme who was dragged through the street
A parade had been planned but she couldn’t keep to her feet
She sprouted a wing
And heard the crowd sing
You can stop her but she’ll never be beat

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I’ve been searching for ways
To manage my waste.
I don’t want to create a scene
I want to do it with taste.

Maybe I’ll take it to an island
And color the shores green and yellow,
It might trigger a native revolt
But I’d hope the hippies would be mellow.

If I run out of room
Anytime soon
I’ll just shoot it to the moon
And be back to tango by noon.

Then if the earth rises a degree
You won’t be able to place the blame on me.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I’m going to stick with you
Because you’re sweeter than a honeycomb
To come home to.

I’m so stuck
I need a faucet to wash it
As if I was buried in muck.

You and me
Are like me and my shadow
If the sun shined everyday, anyway.

Let’s launch a love boat
In the canal or the moat
And drift to a lake somewhere remote.

I’ll always choose to forget
How you secretly called security on me
Whatever I do to woo you I never regret.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

What to do on a blizzardy day?
Maybe I’ll doodle a noodle,
And think of something stupid to say.

Maybe I’ll host a dinner that’s a mystery,
I’ll go to the farmer’s market
Like cooks have done for all history.

I could find a bird in a bush
And sing a duet
Until I’m told to shush.

Or I’ll write poetry as you mock
Then stand on a national stage,
Grab a guitar and prepare to rock.

Monday, January 31, 2011

What is the internet
If not a new place to buy pajamas?
The designers must have meant
To make us all bananas.

You can use it to creep,
Or find updates on Egypt,
But really it’s a playground
That’s more of a tweet than a beep.

So remember to use it well
And use it often
And don’t mind your mind
When it begins to soften.

Limerick Friday #29

There once was a man named Morgan
He ate so much pizza he needed a new organ
He screamed in vowels
When they took his bowels
And then he stormed out to find a bear in Oregon.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

If you build a wall to resist me
I’ll catapult myself over.
If you close you ears to my songs
I’ll build a stage and holler.

If you retreat to an island,
I’ll appear with a piano.
If you are the prize at a science fair
I’ll construct a volcano.

If you bury yourself in work
I’ll build you an office at home,
Or if you stay on the lawn
I’ll collect a million gnomes.

By the time you date me,
I’ll be proven mad certifiably.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

If you hack at words enough
You might create poetry.
I tried this theory at piano
And banged out a minor key.
Next, I shook a mango
And threw a lizard at a tree.
The audience watched with puppy eyes
And pretended they couldn’t see.
Now that I recall it all
There could have been a silent protest
But I kept hacking away
So that it finally turned into a literary fest.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Sometimes I feel like a mayor
Of a foreclosed state.
Everyone is bankrupt,
The protests are full of hate.

At those times
It’s up to me to nominate
Someone not just not loathsome
But someone actually great.

So you’ll use a walker
To shuffle into the barn,
And I’ll give you the bad news,
The IRS are taking the farm.

What hope will we have then?
Just half hopes of sisters and a brother.
You’d suggest we raise an army,
But I’d say we shouldn’t even bother.

Monday, January 24, 2011

There’s no temperature
More loathsome than zero.
When it gets this cold
I’m no hero.

Because of the snow banks
There’s no place to park.
This weather would make me jaded
If it permanently stayed so dark.

But I have hope
Because the sister of winter is spring.
And when I’ll see the sun
It’ll give me reason to bring out my bling.

Limerick Friday #28

There once was an ape who had a woman in the wing
They got attached without any string
Their affair was animal
Until it turned cannibal
And now they just smile like housewives and say it was a fling.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

If I was in the mood for food,
You’d call me a hungry girl.
If I was sand polished smooth
You’d call me a pearl.

If you told me to stop writing poems
And start looking for jobs,
I’d say maybe you’re right
And maybe I’ll work at Bob’s.

If I asked you what team you play on,
I hope you’d say skins,
And if I asked what your record is
I bet you’d say the team always wins.

If you suggest we go up a mountain
I’d suggest a trip to the fountain,
I’d say, In a blizzard all you see is white
And I don’t want to let you out of my sight.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Put me in, Coach!
I’ll commit a felony!
I’ll sing the national anthem
Extremely out of melody.

The league’s watchdog
Will tell me I pale in comparison,
Arrest me for breaking God’s law,
And send me to prison.
Some spectators will demand a refund

Others will think it’s funny,
But all will act like a baby
When they find Texas has all the money.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Some might say I look hungover from my birthday
But at least we raised our arms and got low.
You could worry about my stomach
But the extent of the damage you couldn’t really know.
So maybe I’ll quit partying
Like Regis quit his show,
I’m certainly not young,
Everyday I tend to grow,
But maybe I’ll curl up like a baby,
Grab an apple and get with the flow.
I know one thing’s for sure,
I ain’t shoveling this bullshit snow.

Limerick Friday #27

There once was a celebrity who turned into a rat
But he still ate like a human and got really fat
He started to faint
Then was touched by a saint
But the press will never report all that.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

There’s a lot of snow
But at least it’s not mud.
We’re tired of it now
But when it melts, it’ll flood.

I made a snow-woman
But got a cold when I kissed her.
Then I was arrested
Because it turns out she’s my sister.

The weather is new every morning
Just like newborn babies.
But right now I just need a shovel
To dig out my Mercedes.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Wow, there’s a lot of snow out there.
Now, I know shoveling doesn’t seem fair.
Let’s just take pictures of it and send them to the news
Let’s put the climate police on the case
To arrest the snow-throwing crews
Then board a jet for an amazing race.
Or, more likely, we’ll roll over, drool like we don’t know grammar,
And hit snooze.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I’m no superhero,
I’m bound to make a mistake.
Why is it when I fall,
It seems like an earthquake?

Let’s hold a press conference
And tell the world to change.
We can shoot for the stars
And pretend they’re not out of range.

Monday, January 10, 2010

Don’t look at the record, just be aware.
Runs like this don’t even seem fair.
Pete Carroll is here to scare,
It’s time to win, we’ll do it anywhere.
It’s time to shut down the Bears.
We got the Superbowl in our crosshairs.

This seven-and-nine team rocks,
SEA! HAWKS!