Monday, January 31, 2011

What is the internet
If not a new place to buy pajamas?
The designers must have meant
To make us all bananas.

You can use it to creep,
Or find updates on Egypt,
But really it’s a playground
That’s more of a tweet than a beep.

So remember to use it well
And use it often
And don’t mind your mind
When it begins to soften.

Limerick Friday #29

There once was a man named Morgan
He ate so much pizza he needed a new organ
He screamed in vowels
When they took his bowels
And then he stormed out to find a bear in Oregon.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

If you build a wall to resist me
I’ll catapult myself over.
If you close you ears to my songs
I’ll build a stage and holler.

If you retreat to an island,
I’ll appear with a piano.
If you are the prize at a science fair
I’ll construct a volcano.

If you bury yourself in work
I’ll build you an office at home,
Or if you stay on the lawn
I’ll collect a million gnomes.

By the time you date me,
I’ll be proven mad certifiably.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

If you hack at words enough
You might create poetry.
I tried this theory at piano
And banged out a minor key.
Next, I shook a mango
And threw a lizard at a tree.
The audience watched with puppy eyes
And pretended they couldn’t see.
Now that I recall it all
There could have been a silent protest
But I kept hacking away
So that it finally turned into a literary fest.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Sometimes I feel like a mayor
Of a foreclosed state.
Everyone is bankrupt,
The protests are full of hate.

At those times
It’s up to me to nominate
Someone not just not loathsome
But someone actually great.

So you’ll use a walker
To shuffle into the barn,
And I’ll give you the bad news,
The IRS are taking the farm.

What hope will we have then?
Just half hopes of sisters and a brother.
You’d suggest we raise an army,
But I’d say we shouldn’t even bother.

Monday, January 24, 2011

There’s no temperature
More loathsome than zero.
When it gets this cold
I’m no hero.

Because of the snow banks
There’s no place to park.
This weather would make me jaded
If it permanently stayed so dark.

But I have hope
Because the sister of winter is spring.
And when I’ll see the sun
It’ll give me reason to bring out my bling.

Limerick Friday #28

There once was an ape who had a woman in the wing
They got attached without any string
Their affair was animal
Until it turned cannibal
And now they just smile like housewives and say it was a fling.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

If I was in the mood for food,
You’d call me a hungry girl.
If I was sand polished smooth
You’d call me a pearl.

If you told me to stop writing poems
And start looking for jobs,
I’d say maybe you’re right
And maybe I’ll work at Bob’s.

If I asked you what team you play on,
I hope you’d say skins,
And if I asked what your record is
I bet you’d say the team always wins.

If you suggest we go up a mountain
I’d suggest a trip to the fountain,
I’d say, In a blizzard all you see is white
And I don’t want to let you out of my sight.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Put me in, Coach!
I’ll commit a felony!
I’ll sing the national anthem
Extremely out of melody.

The league’s watchdog
Will tell me I pale in comparison,
Arrest me for breaking God’s law,
And send me to prison.
Some spectators will demand a refund

Others will think it’s funny,
But all will act like a baby
When they find Texas has all the money.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Some might say I look hungover from my birthday
But at least we raised our arms and got low.
You could worry about my stomach
But the extent of the damage you couldn’t really know.
So maybe I’ll quit partying
Like Regis quit his show,
I’m certainly not young,
Everyday I tend to grow,
But maybe I’ll curl up like a baby,
Grab an apple and get with the flow.
I know one thing’s for sure,
I ain’t shoveling this bullshit snow.

Limerick Friday #27

There once was a celebrity who turned into a rat
But he still ate like a human and got really fat
He started to faint
Then was touched by a saint
But the press will never report all that.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

There’s a lot of snow
But at least it’s not mud.
We’re tired of it now
But when it melts, it’ll flood.

I made a snow-woman
But got a cold when I kissed her.
Then I was arrested
Because it turns out she’s my sister.

The weather is new every morning
Just like newborn babies.
But right now I just need a shovel
To dig out my Mercedes.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Wow, there’s a lot of snow out there.
Now, I know shoveling doesn’t seem fair.
Let’s just take pictures of it and send them to the news
Let’s put the climate police on the case
To arrest the snow-throwing crews
Then board a jet for an amazing race.
Or, more likely, we’ll roll over, drool like we don’t know grammar,
And hit snooze.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I’m no superhero,
I’m bound to make a mistake.
Why is it when I fall,
It seems like an earthquake?

Let’s hold a press conference
And tell the world to change.
We can shoot for the stars
And pretend they’re not out of range.

Monday, January 10, 2010

Don’t look at the record, just be aware.
Runs like this don’t even seem fair.
Pete Carroll is here to scare,
It’s time to win, we’ll do it anywhere.
It’s time to shut down the Bears.
We got the Superbowl in our crosshairs.

This seven-and-nine team rocks,
SEA! HAWKS!

Limerick Friday #26

There once was a raven who came from the shore
He saw a flower bloom and wanted to see more
He was enraged
‘Cuz the flower was engaged
Now he’ll make a documentary about how he’ll settle the score.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Animals rush out of the gates
And are surprised at what awaits.
They get put on my plate.
But if there’s more
They’re sold in the specialty store.
Sometimes a butler will bring you some
On a golden tray, the meat still red and barely numb.
You could read the menu or just take a seat,
Three times-a-day we serve heaping stacks of meat.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

I was fishing for a notion for a potion to make a poem.
I added some OJ and mayo then tossed in some sugar for sweetness,
I stirred with fervor and tried my luck with Starbucks.

I lost the specific recipe, but there might’ve been Chinese leftovers involved.
After I ate it I couldn’t see, but eventually my blindness dissolved.

I looked in the bowl for a poem to save me
But I found I had in fact made a baby!

Tuesday, January 4, 2010

Of all the millions of stars,
You were fated to fall for me,
And me: ditto.

Was it you that eclipsed the sun?
It couldn’t have been.
My life is brighter.

When you fell from the sky,
Were you hurt?
I hope not.
You brought my dead heart alive,
Like when the world winds to April.

You’re so sweet
That when I eat an orange
My taste buds only recognize sugar.

I’ve lost command of my senses.

Soon, I will get you Gucci
And buy you a butler,
To hell with the expense and the IRS
To you all I’m saying is Yes Yes Yes.