Limerick Friday #8

So you think you can dance?
Grind on Snooki and shake your pants?
With some luck
You’ll look like a schmuck
And if you spill a shot you’ll get another chance.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Real estate in a college town
Is a frenzy, but what a place we found!
Wait until you see the view
From my place in a city all new.

There’s a rainbow over my new abode
And there’s a window in the commode.
On the top floor, it’s a great place to dance
While we eat cheesecake and crank up the trance.

We’ll be closer to New York and The Shore
We’ll schedule two adventures or more.
A move could be a test
But this will be the best.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

A pitcher of poison beer
Is all I need to disturb my clear
Vision, spill my cup and make me crash
Blazingly, face-first into the trash
That’s full of rice. Nothing’s fair
And nothing’s nice, but if you care
About chivalry, you’re probably sexist
Or old fashioned like fighting leftists
In the Cold War. All I want is a Blue Boar
Not a bullfight or a downed flight.
I’ll drink anything that’s not Lite.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Let me craft a secret demonstration
On how to get a girl for you.
As long as this content is not leaked,
No one will have to listen to us argue.

Like the Harley she adores
You want to make it fast;
Make your wooing seem magic
It’ll be gone in a poof, or it will last.

Sometimes it takes high alcohol content
And some hip, stonewashed jeans.
Maybe a California crew cut
If it’s to that style she leans.

But if she holds you in contempt
Tell her she’s a star
And pray that karma
Will get you very far.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Hey, man, don’t worry about stress,
Let’s go to the Hawaiian islands
And care about less.

We have the power to surf,
Forget school,
And make a mess.

Still here you are,
Prosecuting criminals like Elliot Ness.

Don’t you know they’ll jailbreak
And fly the nest?
You can’t institutionalize those without a crest.

Just give them the test
And they’ll find the crest of the wave
On their craft like a slave to recreation.

You can’t settle down,
We’re an explorer nation.

Limerick Friday #7

There once was a man in a kitchen
He cut onions like a Frenchman
His tears caused a flood
Now he’s covered in mud
But his dorm food is really bitchin’.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

What else does unemployment benefit
Except letting artists have some time
And giving fuel to conservative fits.

But what’s with all this political turbulence?
Just let families afford some beer
Unless that’s against your ethics.

I was a comic once; a prince, too.
But I ran into a couple kinds of change
And now I’m nothing but a yahoo.

Nevertheless, I still have two first names,
And I might track down a marmot
Who’ll be my friend to play games.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Why don’t you wail about your whale of a day?
I’m trying to be like Job, find a job
and be a survivor.
I’ve seen just a couple job posts, I’d say.
Maybe I’ll craft employment out of scraps like McGyver.

All I’m saying is show me your love,
Not in a wedding sense,
I just need a place to fit me like a glove.

I’ll make your business big like Jurassic creatures.
I’ll join in with the doers not the preachers.

I can be Mad Men, without making you mad, man.

All this time on my hands I’m getting sunburned and peeling,
But bring me to your board meeting, I’ll have y’all reeling.
I can make football metaphors that remotely apply to work.
If you spill your coffee, I won’t call you a jerk.

If you want, I’ll show you my PR trophy,
But take a look at my resume and you’ll see
It’s much less hokey.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Some think I’m a communist
But I’m just unemployed.
In my defense, I do cover up
With a smoking jacket as if cloyed
By titi monkeys.

Nothing is universally more satisfying
Than seeing a parasailing donkey
Cover up the moon, unless it calls for help
Right before it launches from a Florida Key
Correctional facility.

You can search for many years
Without finding engines that run on blossoms.
But if you do, call me and tell me
They’re totally awesome.

Monday, July 19, 2010

I went up Walnut Creek without a paddle
All I had was some tea and a rattle.
But oh Lord, I’ll be rich one day
It doesn’t matter what others say.
All I need is a couple spectators
And more lovers than haters
So come join me and the trailblazers
Up the creek with all the wrong tools
Just a couple musicians and a few more fools.

Gone Fishin'

I’ll be away from the office for a couple days, but I’ve left some links below just in case you need your fix:

If you need rhymes go here.
If you’re just here to waste some time at work before filling out more TPS reports, try this.
For immediate updates on Bieber and other hot news, go here.
For everything else, check here.

Have fun. See you Monday!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Happy birthday to my brother
Who has a real housewife this year.
He deserves none other
Though he might want in the near
Future some bacon or a beer can
To spice up the party like a man.
So throw it on ice
And fire up the grill
This day is too nice
To be sitting still.
Go play, go party, go celebrate some more
This time for your birthday I won’t get you a [friend].

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The bird chatters through the window
Saying the billy goat is by the bridge
Waiting to talk to a wild sow.
A game of telephone will captivate
The imaginations of wild things
Especially when it’s the season to mate.
And Yogi Bear opens his basket
And produces a method to create a racket.
The dream will seem like everything
Until in life we cross it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

You make me feel like a prince
When you bring me stew with quince
But I know you’re only sweeter than honey
Because you’re after my money.
I’ll play along, I won’t run
Feeling like royalty is too much fun.
On this contract I’ll put my mark:
Keeping making me meals and our future won’t be stark.

World Cup Limerick #4

This tournament has been really neat
This Sunday two new teams will feel the heat
Fans will show appreciation
For the victorious nation
And target their jeers at the despicable team that was beat.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

This is the season for me to be Conan
A barbarian makin’ men moanin’.
All this street boxing keeps me on my feet lots,
I’ve dropped so much weight, I need new socks.
But to be plain with you,
I’d rather eat fried octopus
Roasted duck and battered asparagus,
Lettuce only with bacon and butter,
A mud-pie if it’s muddier.
I nominate
Goose liver for my plate.
At this point, I’ll panhandle for a love-handle.
My spare tire’s out of air.
It’s time for surf, turf ‘n earth
And to gorge without care.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I’ll wade into the ring o’ stars
And wait for you to call me a constellation
As I join the reflected solar energy
Of the stars on a still lake.
Barring a heat wave
You hate to be my bud in the water.
You’ve always swapped places
And opted for dry land.
But drop me a low hand
From your dry upper deck
Sometime
And we will tango on the shoreline.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The feelings I have for you should be illegal
I’m addicted to you
Like you’re a fry and I’m a seagull.
I will circle parking lots
And other birds will twitter
But for you I have the hots
Like a raccoon for litter.
You must give me heartburn
Because my heart burns for you
Like a bonfire in a cavern.
You’re my lantern
And when I’m with my girl
My vision’s swirled
Like it’s my turn
To be top of the world.

World Cup Limerick #3

The game was an up and down match
Especially for Paris who the authorities did snatch
She smoked some weed
And now she’s freed
So she’ll keep Cheech posted on her next batch.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

In the shady woods of Ory-gun
We’re gonna have some bluegrass
And we’re gonna have some fun.
The days are sunny and sometimes serene
The nights get rockin’
With fiddles sawed real mean.
It’s kinda a cult but more like a family
So git your banjo out, roll down the valley
And spy what you see.